Listen!

I am thinking all this time what best words to say to you but I got three words.You Lost Me.

Final Words

Bonjour!

It feels like this year has been the longest year in my life.

I am grateful that less than 72 hours from now I will be leaving the year of the metal tiger. It Signifies a fresh and new beginning. Leaving everything bad (people, experiences, attitude) behind.

My 2010 was full of ups and downs. It was a roller coaster ride. Ups because of my family, crazy friends, and him. Downs because he left me nothing but a broken heart. Left and neglected by him making me feel like a crumpled paper thrown at his back.

The start of the year was very high because we have one another. I surprised him during V-day and treating him like a queen so loved by a king.What else did I do aside from finishing my completion duty so that I can finally take the board exam, nothing but busy loving my baba. Almost all my attention was to him. Even at point I had forgotten that I have friends. At beginning of our relationship I was so sweet and I always put extra effort even for simple phone conversation like giving him punchline that will make him laugh his heart out.

Second quarter of the year, we had some terrible fights but we managed to settle things. I had to be strong for both of us. If I have problems with him I tend to keep it to myself and ignore it if it is self manageable. I seldom blabber. I hate noise. I'd prefer silence when I am with him and just enjoy the moment with my one true love. I'd prefer to express how much I love him in my actions.

Third quarter comes in and we we're sailing on rocky seas. I'd become more stronger for us though there were times that I feel like giving up but I didn't. He attempted to let me go but I'd said please NO. I begged him to stay because I am sooo afraid how to wake up one morning if he's gone. "I need you because I love you." But the day I am most afraid to come came. One day It was all gone. He had finally drawn the line and it happened through SMS, making it very informal. I had asked for formal closure but he didn't gave me. 

Last quarter was for mending. Making myself whole again. I went home because I need my family. I awe my life to them. They were there to support and love me unconditionally. My friends were there too making me laugh and sharing drink with them. As mentioned to my previous posts, I dedicated the remaining months of 2010 for savoring the bittersweet of pain. I had nursed the pain enough to make me strong. I cried hundred times and I had so messed up my life.

I can say that this was not my year. I am fire tiger having to live in metal tiger therefore clash happened. 

The year was tough. It wasn't easy but luckily I managed to get out and still be able live life well.

How about you??!

Morale Of The Story

Greetings of Peace and Love!

I believe that every experience has it's lessons to be learned.

This was my story....

It has quite some time that I keep on writing and talking about how much I had been severely hurt and before the year ends I wanna share what my experience has taught me in life.

Since 2011 is right at your  front door here are my 11 lessons learned.

In Romantic Relationships:

Never expect. Never assume.

   I guess in loving someone you should not expect from the person. You do not assume as if the person is so into you or not. Let him/her voluntarily do things his/her own way.

Do your part.

   Never mind of anything else but just your part.

99% trust and 1% benefit of the doubt.

   Everyone says that we must fully trust but I say don't. The person deserve 99% and you keep 1% to yourself.

Respect one another.
   It is universal. No question.

Laugh.
   Learn to laugh. Laugh when needed. Laugh at the right place and at the right time.

Talk.
   When problem arises, do not leave it unattended and unresolved. Talk not only if you have problems but also if your happy. Talk anything under the sun. Talking often strengthen the relationship because it bridges the gap of the fact the you are two different individuals.

Understand you and your partner.
   Search. Let your queries run. When you understand yourself and your partner you will know what you want and what to do therefore delivery of actions are best expressed and appreciated.

Retain some mystery.
   After the "getting to know stage", it is good to keep your interest to one each other. So do not spill everything. Let him/her uncover the mystery. Thrill is guaranteed.

Love wisely.
   Heart and mind should be in unison however dilemma sets in when heart ignores to see the truth and reality. Truth that you should love in moderation. Be rationale by letting your head superior than your emotional-bound heart. It is a MUST that we keep some love for ourselves.

Some Privacy.
   It is not ideal to be together all the time. Some one needs the "me time" and "me space". Give one another to grow on their own. Let them be with others. Space and time give time to think and evaluate and above all to rest.

Enjoy each day passing.
   The relationship you have is only borrowed and so does your romantic partner. God gives you a person for some reason, maybe to let you feel how it is to be loved or to give you lessons. Since it is borrowed it will then be taken so enjoy each other. Cherish each day passes and do not waste it by arguing and doing nonsensical things. Each minute is important. Love honestly.
   


PS: Above all, PRAY.


Ooops I think it should be twelve..hehehe

It can be taught.

Love begins at Christmas. He was born to save us all from sins and that's what I call unconditional love.

     How was your Christmas? Were you able to complete the nine mornings? What gifts did you received from your loved ones? I celebrated Christmas at home with my family. Sharing "noche buena" and catching up is what I like the most during this season. We had fun watching fireworks in the sky and my nephews and nieces loved the fountain fireworks in our home. I saw their eyes with happiness. Luckily though I haven't completed the "misa de gallo" I attended one out of nine masses. I gained weight again and I can feel my tummy bloating. Blame to the left and right events this month plus the overflowing foods and drinks. Poor me!

     It's three days more to go before we finally bid farewell to 2010. I couldn't believe that another year is about to close. It feels like 'twas yesterday that I welcomed the year of metal tiger and now it is ending. Tick tick tick the sound of the year ending and time flies really quick and there has nothing much that I achieved and accomplished great in my life yet. I dunno where should I stand. I am still looking for my place in this fuckin' world. I'm like a wandering soul looking for his place to dwell on; a place where there is contentment, humility, peace and happiness. I am not forcing anything great for now but I am hopeful for that day to come. I believe in doing what is right, whenever I see myself on the wrong end of the success ladder I easily get frustrated. But I learned that I can never reached the end of success having not to go the bottom end. Life is not perfect. Sometimes things go their way not according to our plan. Many times I frustrate myself because it is not what I plan that is happening in my life. There had been times that I tend to question HIS will. I know everything has a reason and they are bound to happen for specific purpose; unfortunately for many, we do not understand why. I'd like to believe that life is unstructured. We are living a spontaneous life.  Things are happening their own way.


     Speaking of life, I never dreamed of finding someone like him. I never searched. I never expected. I never asked. He just came. I wasn't attracted to him. First meeting was just like a typical gimmick for me. There was nothing special, no spark, and I dunno if there was chemistry. But out of nothingness a friendship started. A conversation was the beginning of everything. I did not love him but I ended up loving him. What we had at first was like the kilig moments and when there was what I call "formally us", teaching came. Since the day we left on that shore every second of every minute of the day was learning for me. We are two different individuals having been chosen to commit with one another. We have differences; thoughts and attitude. We are an imperfect being. We have flaws and shortcomings. I am speaking for myself now, adjustment and understanding was there. Each day passing and each discovery of him was an appreciation. He was just human like me I told myself. As day passed by I saw ME teaching to love the one I had commit myself with. I had fallen deeper as we go on sailing in the ocean of love til such time that I was drowning because of outpouring love. There was too much teaching happened and when it ended it had left my heart severely broken.


     Teaching is over but it is once again time for teaching, teaching not to love him anymore. I know for a fact that it will not be simple and easy. Am I doing reverse psychology? Hmmmm I dunno. I felt lunatic that after learning to love him I will learn not to love him back. Whatta heck is my problem? Hahahahahaha! I must be going crazy. I think what I'm doing is normal. It should really be that way. How can I move forward if there's still that fuckin love. Believe me that what I'm going through is hard but I'm taking it lightly. Perhaps constant practice makes one thing perfect. I guess I'll be able to master the craft of not loving him at all in due time. I'l be getting used to that feeling somewhere in the coming days. 


     You know what it can be taught. It's possible. Trust me. ^_^

baba

                                 Sixteen months ago I met someone, YOU.

                           Sixteen months after, you left me nothing but cold blue

                             Never did I expected that there will be me and you

                          And now I am deserted with a life forlorn from hue.

                                    I remember the day when I first saw you

                                       In a place where I am with my crew

                                         In your skin was red stripe shirt

                                      It was then a friendship came to birth.

                                         I was hurting when you came,

                                      From a love that I can say was lame

                                You took the pain and planted a seed of love

                                     And it grows and felt free like a dove.

                                                Officially we opened it, 

                                In front of the the ocean with the beauty within it.

                                  In a place that I can call heaven and paradise.

                                    Nature was with us and it did sympathized

                                    To our feelings that had been immortalized.

                                                Baba had been heard

                                            Others may sound it weird

                                                   Used for a year

                                            Was cute like Teddy the Bear.

                                      Cruising with you in ocean Poseidon

                                         Sailing from twilight until dawn

                                             Though seas may be rocky

                                      It didn't bother coz I'm still feeling lucky.

                                You had shown me how much you love me

                                Had shown you back my love without a fee

                                       Equal efforts had been exerted

                                  Making things work and wasn't wasted.

                                            I thought I already knew,

                              Smiles of you were the beauty of morning dew

                                  Tips of your hair down to your toe nails

                                  Should be more knowing because it fails.

                                       Since the beginning I saw a sign

                                   Ignored and took a sip in tempting wine

                                    Heaven sent many but I refused to see

                                          Feel twas only you and me.

                                         

                                           Shocked that you're capable

                                               Making me like cripple

                                                Didn't expect actions

                                           Tears was then my reaction.

                                                 Face was deceiving
                                               Cherubim in behaving
                                                Mask you're wearing
                                           Take it off oh please darling.
                                           Mirror is what you needing
                                         So you better stop pretending.

                                                   Sorry, Sorry me
                                                  Felt used you bee
                                                 Sucked your honey
                                               Now poor you honey.

                                                    Oh so regretful
                                                   I was then a fool
                                              You bathed in your drool
                                                    I call you awful

                                            Wasted a time, Wasted a dime
                                      One hell conceited, One hell uneducated
                                               You were like a whore
                                                  Behind was a bore
                                               You were like a clown
                                                 Making us not frown
                                                   Show you ended
                                          It is how you are now branded.
                                                          
              
                                              
                                                        

                                              
                                                
                                                    
                                          
                                               

                                        

                                         

                                

                                           

                                                      

                                        

                                    

                               

                                  

Third Monthsary: Three Fourths of One Whole

Hello there ;)

fill the missing fraction

     How are you?! I hope you had a good day. I just finished my beauty regimen and finally before dozing off I am making the LAST and FINAL installment of my dramatic post as an important part of my blog. This will be the concluding post under this topic. It has been 92 days since the tragedy happened making today my third monthsary. Three months had passed and the struggle continues and healing had never been easy for me. Talking and talking about the same old topic was becoming a pet peeve. This was consuming my energy and I felt like I was already eaten by the topic. But I have to bravely face this chapter of my life because this was the only way I knew where I can move on. The pain was unbearable; unbearable to be hidden and be ignored. So that's why I keep on blabbering about this and was the reason why I created the blog. I think dedicating the last quarter of 2010 for moving forward and savoring the sweetness of pain was more than enough. I am offering the remaining days of the year talking about him, my pain, and the ups and downs of mending. Each day, week and month that had passed the intensity of pain subside.

     The process of healing is not yet over though I can say I am better than previously but there's still BUT. I am picking the pieces of broken me. Everything I am going thru was tough, tougher than I thought. I am just human therefore bound to feel anger and bitterness. Yes I was and I am not ashamed of myself for feeling that. Everyone has their own lowest point and I can say that this was mine. I am on the stage where I see putting more importance on myself..Learning how to be physically and emotionally on my own again because admittedly I was so dependent to him. I do not believe on the saying "love is blind", actually it sees but it ignores. It didn't matter to me if I reached the point that he was my life. My world revolved around him and see no other but only us. It's as if we were the only existing creation in the world. I blame no one but me, not him and not any other things. Why came to this point? I told myself that "nandito na eh bakit di pa ibigay ng todo?" and "dumating na siya sa buhay ko so dapat ko lng siyang mahalin ng lubos", having said that, I felt stupid. This was not my first time to be hurt by a lover but it felt like it was. I had no idea what to do when we parted ways. The effect went in my body, physiologically. I had trauma and breakdown. Had several anxiety attacks & countless nights of crying but I finally came passed to that stage. 

     Right now I am about to leave the boulevard of sadness. I had courageously traversed the road and  relished the bittersweet of loving. I could not be more proud of myself for winning the test of life.For a fact, the battle  is not yet over. Why? Refer on the title. I will win the battle even the war if I'll be able to fill the missing fraction of the cake and that will be the only time where I can say I AM WHOLE AGAIN. 

    

 Meanwhile, I am joyful that I reached today, BETTER and STRONGER.

     

Oh Insomnia Oh Insomnia :(

Hi!

     I have a BIG problem, well aside from the existing one which was the reason why this blog came to birth. Lately I am having trouble falling asleep at night which normally we take our rest when the moon is out. Our body should take its rest at nightfall but as for me its not the way things go. For a week now, my body is working and active during night time which made me like a call centre agent.

     It started when our brgy. celebrated its 71st Foundation Anniversary wherein you can find me outside home with friends.There had been activities organized by brgy. officials like showcasing the talent of its people via local version of Pilipinas Got Talent which was Poblacion Got Talent & DobleKara. I know that you know these staff and I bet you can relate to me. There was also fireworks display; beauty pageant in the name of Mutya ng SK Poblacion 2010 which luckily the winner came from my alma mater; and a comedy show held at our on going construction gymnasium much more like of the Panabo Sports & Cultutral Centre, comedians were from Cebu.There was also October Fest-like event in the plaza. Singing Bands from nearby Gensan were performing nightly. 

L-R: Enzo, Bham, Me, & Gai

Whenever I'm with friends it was not tantamount to drinking. What do we do mostly?  Aside from the activities we attended, we talked about life; our plans, are we gonna be like a bummer forever? What's in store for us next year and is fate favorable to us in 2011? You know stuff like that I guess. We were also fond looking for cute guys...ewwwww so gay..ROFL. Walking and walking until we got tired and we'll ate super yumyum "balot". Mine was Balot Penoy because I'm scared looking at the baby chick inside when its just a plain Balot. On the culmination of the brgy. week Enzo & I together with our new found friends Bham-Bham, Gai-Gai, Jahmes and Enrique which they all came from HMCC had bonding. From Bham's house which we had our soup and dinner party we dropped by to see the comedy show and got bored. We went instead to the plaza to watch the band and suddenly Jahmes suggested that we'll gonna be drinking. We ended at 4am having to consume 1 case of Red Horse Grande. ."so sunog atay". While we were ending our bonding pareng Louie suddenly texted me saying I'm heading my way to Davao Int'l Airport. Then I remembered that 'twas Louie's last day in the country. I immediately called him & had not controlled my emotion but to cry while having our pictures taken (can't imagine my crying had been captured). So to cut the story short I went home at around six o'clock in the morning with  puffed eyes.

     I had slept at 8 and woke up at 3pm making an 7 hours sleep, not so bad. The following day I noticed that I can't sleep at the time where I'm supposed to be sleeping and it had become a pattern. I am asleep at day and so awake at night. Can you imagine how terrible the feeling of wanting to sleep but you can't? You can hear the ticking of the clock amidst the silence of the night. I hate the feeling that you are waiting for the Sun to come up to sleep. I ain't no fuckin call center agent or security guard at night shift who's coming home early in the morning to get rest and fall asleep. Ang pinakapangit na pakiramdam ay yung dilat na dilat yung mga mata ko habang nag-aagaw na si dilim at liwanag. My eyes felt so heavy and from now on I will call my eye bags an eye LUGGAGES. Oh Insomnia Oh Insomnia please go away like this one I had for him. I don't want you insomnia as much as I don't want him anymore. Insomnia and YOU are the shits that need to be filtered out.

Shouting Insomniac! Give me back my fuckin normal body clock ASAP!!!